


Jane Austen Allegro

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: Brian and Eric [1]
Category: Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: Brian and Eric, Gen, Jane Austen - Freeform, Mrs Bennett - Freeform, Spoon - Freeform, fork, knife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:37:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7317403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elsewhere on the net exist Brian and Eric, two random weirdoes who have strange adventures and loopy conversations. One of their stories is this lump of silliness, a sort of demented parody of Madam Austen's work. This is an increasingly expanded version of the original.<br/>I really do apologise to those expecting something sensible or sane. This is very silly and daft.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jane Austen Allegro

"Oh Mr. Brian, this situation is most vexing. You know how I suffer with my nerves!" complained Mrs Eric. He was sat in a ridiculously large flowery chair, wearing a stupid light blue bonnet, an idiotic pastel gown and exceedingly horrible pink clogs.  
"While It is certainly true that your tendancy to panic and fret is always to the fore, I will not be moved on the subject Mrs. Eric." replied a stern Brian, who went back to reading his broadsheet supermarket flyer. Brian for no adequate reason was dressed as a bright green duck.  
They were in the drawing room of a hideous day-glo yellow mansion that blighted the landscape of Lummoxshire terribly. The design was suspiciously similar to a well known lozenge-shaped car from the 1970s and as such was despised by anyone that had the misfortune to see it. They had recently been visited by two oily upper class oiks, to whit one Mr. Neckless and Mr. Stuck-Up, a pair of insufferably snooty horse-bothering, top-hat wearing morons from London who had dropped in purely to get on Brian's wick. To make their unwanted arrival worse they had trampled Brian's flower beds and knocked Eric's statue of Dolly Parton over.  
"Oh, what are we to do Mr. Brian? If Jane and Elizabeth Spoon are not married before the end of the year then we shall be the laughing stock of the nearest motorway service area, and that Mr Neckless and his slimy friend Mr so-called Stuck-Up are the only suitors we have seen. At this rate we shall never marry them off."  
"Mrs. Eric, if we allow these two city dwelling skunks to marry our eldest spoons, then it will be The Great Leg Snatching Incident of 2016 all over again. An incident that brought no small amount of shame to us and to our cutlery drawer; an amount of shame we are as yet not fully recovered from." Mr. Brian stated, "Getting another grand dose of fizzy orange and pox flavoured embarrassment will do us no good at all I can tell you, and it will come as no surprise to you that I will not have it and that I refuse to sit, lie down or stand for it. Not now, not then and certainly not three years ago." With that, Mr. Brian slammed his flyer down, stuck his nose in the air and swanned out of the room like a demented goose.  
Mrs. Eric picked up the flyer and looked out of his window. Whilst gazing, he carefully folded the broadsheet advert into a plane and threw it at the bin. It missed by a lightyear, thus causing Eric to start muttering to himself. If only he could marry his spoons off to the right sort of people then all would be alright: it was just a shame that those two snobby wasters were a pair of useless berks and thus completely unsuitable for the task.  
Over the next couple of weeks, Mrs. Eric and Mr Brian's felt-tip pen style fears were lovingly washed away with heavenly scented loveliness and everything turned out absolutely pigging brilliant because their second eldest, Jane Bennett-Spoon met a lovely young whisk who just happened to be absolutely loaded. Shortly after that, their eldest bit of cutlery, Elizabeth Bennet-Teaspoon met a gaudy Fabergé fork who was so rich that he actually rolled in actual money every night. Initially, Elizabeth's impression of him was that he was an awfully pompous and mad haired fork with a heart of beige and a superbly drab voice, but after many weeks of faffing about and a lot of exchanging tedious notes and childish letters, she eventually got round to examining the wonderful and surreal artwork on his handle, and thus her impression of his demeanour changed greatly.  
The incredibly nosy and self-important old bat Lady Catherine DeSaw was livid because she had tried and failed to arrange a marriage between Elizabeth's gaudy fork and her hoover. In a plot worthy of some of the world's most poorly contrived slapstick comedies, the horrible stuck-up old ratbag had tried to stop the weddings, but her ridiculous and badly thought out attempts to ruin things were all foiled by an interfering, clownlike and universally hated clergyman named Mr Collins-Knife.  
At the time of writing/scrawling Mrs Eric and Mr Brian are setting up a kitty litter shop in the village of Clucking Badly.  
The spoons Elizabeth and Jane have happily married their inanimate suitors and are honeymooning in the Caribbean.  
Their younger sister Lydia Bouillon-Spoon has run off to Scotland with a counterfeit army medal and thus caused a massive yet pointless scandal about which a bunch of beaky old baggages in a village in the Midlands are gossiping incessantly. Unfortunately for them only sad, lifeless weirdies who watch nothing but appallingly written soap operas really care and they're too busy watching utter drivel to notice.  
Lady Catherine is suing Mr Collins-Knife on a well known television courtroom reality show for defamation of her mangy hat. The judge considers the case to be one of the dumbest ones he's ever heard and is having a field day with her.  
Mr Stuck-Up and Mr Neckless have been knocked through and converted into a trendy gastropub/microbrewery in Bournemouth.  
And as for you dear reader, your case is simple: you're gawping at a screen wondering what sort of senseless rubbish you've just wasted your time with.  
It's a Brian and Eric story, so you should have known better.  
Or should you?  
The answer is of course 'yes'. You should have.


End file.
